July 2009
3 posts
Top Ten Signs Your Caddy Is Nuts
10. You ask for a wood. He unzips his pants.
9. He carries your clubs in a dead deer carcass.
8. Your ball goes into the lake, so he takes that opportunity to skinny dip.
7. He retrieves your ball before it even hits the ground.
6. You’re in a threesome, so he shows up in all leather.
5. He’s dressed like Dumbledore, and refers to your clubs as “wands”.
4. He dumps a cooler of Gatorade on you at...
Top Ten Ways To Beat The Summer Heat
10. Listen to Seals & Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on repeat. Warning: you will vomit several times.
9. Now that Palin is no longer governor, move to Alaska!
8. For the ladies: one girl, one ice cube!
7. Find Mr. Frostee, and give him a hand job.
6. Get anywhere near Hilary Clinton.
5. Hug a fresh keg.
4. Shoot yourself in the leg. The weather will be the last thing you think about.
3. Put one of...
Top Ten Flaws In Obama’s New Free Health Care Plan
10. No more swine flu and other great fodder for late night jokes.
9. Annoying old lady downstairs now may live forever.
8. No good slow hour of the day to go in and get more crabs ointment.
7. An apple a day won’t do shit.
6. Imagine mentally ill dude who wont stop talking to you in the waiting room, then multiply by ten.
5. The carnage that is a stethoscope shortage.
4. Even harder to...
June 2009
6 posts
Top Ten Signs Of The Impending Apocalypse
10. Obama divorces Michelle, marries Michael Jackson
9. Disneyworld gets a red light district.
8. Men start faking their orgasms.
7. Compton is named for the site of the 2012 Olympics.
6. Vin Diesel wins a Tony for his portrayal of King Lear.
5. A man shows up from the future in order to get a better deal on a suit.
4. Ducks have sex with monkeys, create dunkeys.
3. A sex tape is leaked starring...
Top Ten Ways To Give Your Mailman A Heart Attack
10. Install mines in your front lawn.
9. Move your house down a block.
8. Fart in the mailbag when he’s not looking.
7. Cover all your outgoing mail in petroleum jelly.
6. Mail out a dummy in a body bag.
5. Redecorate your house to make it look like a post office.
4. Set your mailbox on a 20-foot-high pole.
3. Mail something to P.O. Box Murder The Mailman Upon Receiving This Letter.
2. Mail a love...
Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Blockbusters
10. “Slow Times At Ridgemont Retirement Home”
9. “Spiderman Begins”
8. “Pirates of the Boca Raton”
7. “Skullman LIVE FOREVER!
6. “Skullman Dies”
5. “Catcher In The Bride” Starring Matthew McConaughey
4. “Halloween: Easter’s Here”
3. “Schindler’s List in 3D”
2. “Footloose 2: Handloose”
1. “Jaws Now Has Claws”
Top Ten Signs Your Rock Band Is About To Break Up
10. The singer just wrote a song called “I’m Leaving The Band, You Bastards”.
9. You’re playing a surprise gig, you haven’t played live in years, and it’s on a London rooftop.
8. Jack Daniels just named a whiskey after the bassist.
7. Your groupies have all gone though menopause.
6. There are more people lining up to see your band’s cover band.
5. Your gold record just got rusty.
4. Your guitarist...
Top Ten Worst Summer Vacation Destinations
10. Grandpa’s colonoscopy
9. Oil Spill Beach
8. Madonna’s Ha-Hoo
7. Mount Doom
6. Canoeing through Redneck Forest
5. Hiking through Gaza
4. The DMV
3. A scenic drive across the Pacific Ocean
2. Your local sewage treatment plant
1. Canada
Top Ten Rejected Acts In The "Britain’s Got...
10. The Farrah Fawett Caner Dancers!
9. Toothless Joe and his Mystical Armpit harp
8. The Queen and her famous ping pong ball trick.
7. Alan Moore’s Watchmen Musical Medley
6. Chippers the Poopin’ Dog
5. Happyville Retirement Home Pole Dancers
4. The Wu-Tang Clan sings “Memory” from Cats
3. Old Lady Nerm shows off the photos of her grandkids.
2. Pregnant Teens Dance Troup
1. Susan Boyle
May 2009
8 posts
Top Ten Surprises In The New Film “Angels and...
10. Wiliam Shatner makes a special guest appearance as God in the Sistine Chapel painting.
9. The antimatter turns out to be a diet supplement.
8. The Vatican is played by Oprah.
7. It’s actually the script for Goonies 2, they just changed “Goonies” to “Illuminati”.
6. Tom Hanks rips his mask off to reveal he’s Tom Cruise.
5. There’s a black guy in the movie.
4. The 2nd half is animated by Pixar. ...
Top Ten Reasons Why Pearl Jam’s Bassist Got Mugged...
10. He was mistaken for an elderly woman behind the counter in a small town.
9. They thought he was Eddie Vedder.
8. Because Pearl Jam hasn’t put out a good album in ten years.
7. They were actually rapists, but got frustrated when they realized he was just a dude with long hair.
6. He was showing off his new diamond-studded bass.
5. They couldn’t find a better man.
4. The recording studio is...
Top Ten Things To Buy With That Unemployment Money
10. Bucket of water in the door, fly in the fake ice cube, firearms and other office pranks for your ex-boss.
9. A plane ticket to Canada, one way.
8. The first down payment on a can of soda.
7. A trip to Dennys!
6. One night with Madonna.
5. Get a jump on that Christmas shopping.
4. Beer. Lots and lots of beer.
3. One box of that fancy resume paper.
2. Cardboard boxes for future alleyway home.
1....
Top Ten Least Popular Conversation Starters
10. “I see you’re also using a colostomy bag!”
9. “How ‘bout them civil suit lawyers?”
8. “You stink. Is that cologne?”
7. “I may have no face, but lady, I bet you’re beautiful.”
6. “I say the holocaust never happened. Your thoughts?”
5. “Are these seats padded? No? Then I just pooped my pants.”
4. “I got some nudy pictures of my grandma. Wanna see?”
3. “Osama said the funniest thing in the cave...
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Travel Agent
10. He advises you to pick up your plane tickets from a guy named Weasel in the Bronx.
9. He books you a trip to your closet.
8. Every time you call you have to say “no, I am not interested in a family package to Gaza.”
7. Your safari turns out to be a tour of the local veterinarian clinic.
6. Pirates just took over your cruise ship.
5. Your “up-scale, but affordable” Manhattan restaurant turns...
Top Ten Answers To The Question, “How Hot Is It?”
10. It’s so hot, a tourist family mistook me for Niagara Falls.
9. It’s so hot, a camel just delivered my mail.
8. It’s so hot, my sink has running steam.
7. It’s so hot that kids are making sand castles out of sidewalk cement.
6. It’s so hot, Trump took a sick day.
5. It’s so hot, ice cream is being sold as “sugar-drink”
4. It’s so hot, my plasma TV turned into a puddle of plasma.
3. It’s so hot,...
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Overhear In The...
10. “Bruce, you take soprano. And a-one, and a-two, and a-“
9. “Guys, I think I’m comin’ down with the swine flu”
8. “OK, I’m gonna start a play, and you guys get to guess which one it is.”
7. “Oh my god, the quarterback is a bear!”
6. “Me hit got hard so think I straight can’t”
5. “Looks like George Bush just took over as coach.”
4. “That jersey really brings out the color of your eyes.”
3....
Top Ten Rejected Tyler Perry “Medea” film concepts
10. Medea Gets The Chair
9. Medea Turns Into a Lobster
8. Medea Travels Back In Time And Signs The Declaration of Independence
7. Medea vs. Jason
6. Madea Origins: Madea
5. Madea Meets Ernest
4. Madea Rides A Big Shoe To The Lolipop Castle
3. Madea Breaks The Sound Barrier
2. Madea Crams For The LSAT’s
1. Apcamadea Now Madedux
April 2009
5 posts
Top Ten Unknown Breakthroughs In Science
10. A bomb that shoots off insurance salesmen as shrapnel. Takes down entire armies.
9. Liposuction for dogs!
8. Anti-Gravity Hot Tub
7. Is it beer? Is it ice cream? Oh my god, it’s both!
6. Teleportation. Note: Upon teleporting, eyes, nose, and brain go missing.
5. The egg came first!
4. A pill that makes your farts smell like salmon (working on a better smell)
3. Pracktons: Protons on...
Top Ten Reasons Not To Get Out of Bed This Morning
10. Your bed: cozy, comfy. The rest of your house: in flames!
9. The number one song on Queen Elizabeth’s iPod is “Single Ladies”.
8. You don’t have to collect your unemployment check until tomorrow.
7. Your roommate decided to make the living room anti-abortion-themed.
6. You wake up next to a woman with a boob for a head.
5. You live on the Red River, and the bed you’re on is currently...
The Brain and the Beast Podcast! →
This is the podcast I’ve started up with Ben Kissel and Seena Jon. Check it out. This link takes you to the iTunes page. Please subscribe! You will never ever regret it.
Top Ten Signs You’re A Warewolf
10. Full moons make you horny and turn into a wolf.
9. You don’t have any friends because you’ve clawed all their faces off.
8. You find yourself chasing your own butt.
7. When you take a lady home, you start the foreplay up by humping her leg.
6. Sarah Palin tried to hunt you from a helicopter
5. You keep waking up with half a cat in your mouth.
4. That ain’t a beard, that’s a mane!
3. Your claws...
Top Ten Ways To Leave Your Lover
10. Tell him you’re pregnant with a human/elephant hybrid
9. Tell him you’re taking him to see the family, then drive him to a Klan meeting
8. Pretend you’re asleep and call out his best friend’s name.
7. Steal a ring, give it to her, call the cops.
6. Have a candy-gram show up at her visit to the gynecologist
5. When he’s passed out, dress him up like a baby doll. Post the pictures on the...
March 2009
7 posts
Top Ten Rejected CNN Slogans
10. “More news than you can shake a stick at.”
9. “Because Fox News is run by child molesters.”
8. “If you news you loose, unless it’s on CNN.”
7. “Now with facts!”
6. “Our weather guy can kick your weather guy’s ass.”
5. “Anchors away!”
4. “You want the truth? You want the truth? We’ll report the truth!”
3. “Putting small town papers out of business since 1980.”
2. “We invented that little ticker...
Top Ten Signs You Are Socially Inept
10. At the end of the night, you try to get her to go back to your place, and then you realize for the last five hours you’ve been talking to a pinball machine
9. You think “pull my finger” is an acceptable formal greeting.
8. You never go to concerts anymore because the band always stops halfway through their first song to beat the crap out of you
7. People are always mistaking you for a loaf of...
This is my favorite article that I've ever read →
Watchmen? More Like Botchmen!
Where’s the squid, Snyder? Where’s the fucking squid? Did somebody get a case of tentacle envy? Maybe it came down to the Hollywood execs in that fucking latent homosexual suit room. I can hear the conversation now…
Jerkoff 1 - “So we love the Watchmen idea, Snyder. You’ll be perfect for it.”
Snyder - “Wow, great!”
Jerkoff 2 - “Dr. Manhattan...
Top Ten Excuses The Banks Are Making For Losing...
10. The dog ate my homework. And then he ate all your money.
9. The other banks brought over some booze and all of a sudden a doobie starts floatin’ around. You know what I’m talkin’ about.
8. Money? What money? Oh, that’s right, we’re a bank
7. Those lollipops cost a fortune.
6. It’s in Bill’s house! A-and Jim’s house!
5. The Hamburgler mistook our bank for a McDonalds, and your money for...
The Joy of Life
Recently my buddy who doesn’t have a job was talking to his buddy who doen’t have a job, and they decided that I need to enjoy life more. At first, I thought, “horse on rollerskates”, because I wasn’t really listening to him, but later, when I got home, it all sunk in. “Dear god, he’s right,” I mused, “I really don’t enjoy life as much...
February 2009
5 posts
WatchTwo of my biggest heroes doing what they do best.
Top Ten Signs That Your Wife Is A Prostitute
10. All of her guy friends’ names are John.
9. She considers stripping “a step up”.
8. When you get home from work, you complain about how your feet are killing you. When she gets home, she complains about her vagina.
7. She gave you a discount on your honeymoon.
6. Your Uncle Remus is a huge fan of her work.
5. At the wedding, only the men cried.
4. Vacations involve absolutely no sex...
Top Ten Signs You’re About To Get Laid Off
10. People keep confusing you for the new guy, because you’re sitting at his desk.
9. You ask for a raise, and the boss says, “I don’t think that’s going to happen this year, because you’re about to get laid off.
8. You’re introduced to a robot that has your name and looks just like you.
7. The intern starts making measurements on your desk.
6. People start advising you to “get back into acting”...
January 2009
9 posts
Top Ten Notes Bush Left For Obama On His Way Out...
10. “Karl Rove is standing behind you with a knife!”
9. “What’s a blackberry? Is that some kind of hip-hop thing?”
8. “Press the red button: nuclear holocaust. Press the blue: calls room service. Or wait, maybe that was the other way around.”
7. “Michelle = BABE!
6. “Let me leave you with a cherished phrase of mine, ‘a bird in the hand equals-I don’t know what the hell I’m talkin’...
R.I.P. John Updike 1932-2009
I was blown away by John Updike’s “Rabbit” novels when I read them in college. The writing flowed like nothing I had read before, and his ability to capture an American humanity, one that I could only catch glimpses of growing up in Charlotte, NC, onto the page made me look at the world around me in a different way. I will be reading and re-reading those books for the rest of...
And the the squid says "urghghglgsksdkls"
On New Year’s eve day, I was bein’ a big squid with my roommate. We were walking around the East Village and we passed the Dunkin Donuts that’s been the talk of the town because it apparently has a hologram donut in it, or it’s 3D or something. So we go in and I’m wildly excited because I’ve heard so many people go on and on about this floating donut...
And now for some “She Don’t...
March of the Squid
Squiddy made his rounds today. He watched Revolutionary Road last night. It was a squidding good time! Squids should not get married. It is a doomsday device for any beast of that kind. Two squids touch beaks, copulate, and ta-da! A fresh batch of little squidlings make their way north for the winter. The two copulating squids swim back to each one’s own separate dwelling cave....
December 2008
8 posts
Cider and Rum
The key to a good batch of apple cider is to simmer it on the stove and pour a gallon of spiced rum on it. Let it heat for an hour. The effect of a strong eight glasses of apple cider is that of being on a boat. It’s best to sit back and ride it out. I, being a horrible squid and all, like to sink to the bottom of the ocean and cover myself in a warm mat of sand. We are not known to...
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