Watchmen? More Like Botchmen!
Where’s the squid, Snyder? Where’s the fucking squid? Did somebody get a case of tentacle envy? Maybe it came down to the Hollywood execs in that fucking latent homosexual suit room. I can hear the conversation now… Jerkoff 1 - “So we love the Watchmen idea, Snyder. You’ll be perfect for it.” Snyder - “Wow, great!” Jerkoff 2 - “Dr. Manhattan will be this year’s Tickle-Me Elmo.” Snyder - “Hm…” Jerkoff 3 - “My wife is dead.” Snyder - “Fantastic! So anyways, at the end of the movie, when the squid-” All three suits start coughing uncontrolably. Snyder - “What? What’s wrong?” Jerkoff 2 - “That’s why we asked you to come here today. We’re not so sure about the squid.” Jerkoff 3 - “Not so sure.” Jerkoff 1 - “Squid.” Snyder - “But the squid is the most important part of the movie. Without the squid, the film will just be another ball-less, soul-less parody of a piece of shit.” Jerkoff 1 - “Maybe that’s true, but HERE’S A HUGE BAG OF MONEY!!!” Money is thrown all over Zack Snyder by military men. Dancing to techno and major amounts of cocaine use ensues. Snyder - “I love you guys! I don’t care about the fact that you’re all total fucking prick jerkoffs! I’ll do whatever you say!” Jerkoff 3 - “Tell that to my dead wife!” They all laugh. Scene. Anyways, though I haven’t seen the movie yet, here’s my review of “Watchmen” Who, oh who, will watch the “Watchmen”? I suggest, dear readers, that nobody does. The beginning scene was like watching a retarted kid play jenga: very laughable. What even happened? I’m not sure, because I haven’t seen the movie yet. From there, we have a sex scene. From what I’m told by the staff at cryforburke, this scene is pretty “boner-riffic”. In fact, contrary to the too-cool-for-school interview that cryforburke posted on their blog, each and every member of it’s staff took me aside at one point during my visit to their secret lair yesterday, and told me that it was by far their favorite scene in the movie. Time to get laid, boys. Anyways, back to the review. Dr. Manhattan was the core of the movie. And, using an apple core as a metaphor here, that core was filled with seeds of dispair. Oh, but the outside is so round and juicy! The round and juicy part of the metaphor refers to his huge blue cock. Cock he had, and cock this movie sucked. Bring on the girls! Silk Spectyr’s posters for this movie had me jerking off for days. She was by far the best part of the poster. If movies were judged on boob size alone, this movie would still fucking suck, because there’s no squid in it, however, run-on sentances aside, she has good boobs. I just want to watch a kangaroo box those things…ah damnit! I just came on this movie review. (squeeky squeeky squeeky) There, all clean now. Lastly, I’d like to talk about Rorschach. Cryforburke tells me he’s the best thing in the movie besides that sexy, sexy, sex scene. This is all good and fine, but in reading the novel I always wondered “why do we need this guy?” He’s not sexy. He’s certainly not a squid. He’s always all “plot point this” and “deep social observation that”. If you cut that guy out, and all the other guys except for Silk Spectyr’s boobs and the squid, the movie would only take fifteen precious minutes of your time, and it would blow your fucking mind (and your load!)! I’m holding off for the director’s cut, personally, in hopes that these asshole film makers and their jerkoff suits realize what the American people want in contemporary cinema: tentacles and breasts. Until then, I give the move a big fat F(uck you).
