Squidbeast

Top Ten Signs Your Caddy Is Nuts

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 17:26:33 -0400

10. You ask for a wood. He unzips his pants.

9. He carries your clubs in a dead deer carcass.

8. Your ball goes into the lake, so he takes that opportunity to skinny dip.

7. He retrieves your ball before it even hits the ground.

6. You’re in a threesome, so he shows up in all leather.

5. He’s dressed like Dumbledore, and refers to your clubs as “wands”.

4. He dumps a cooler of Gatorade on you at the end of the game.

3. You ask for an iron. He unzips his pants

2. Every time you get a birdie, he gives one right back to you.

1. He tosses a snake on the green to “make things more interesting”.

Top Ten Ways To Beat The Summer Heat

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:46:01 -0400

10. Listen to Seals & Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on repeat. Warning: you will vomit several times.

9. Now that Palin is no longer governor, move to Alaska!

8. For the ladies: one girl, one ice cube!

7. Find Mr. Frostee, and give him a hand job.

6. Get anywhere near Hilary Clinton.

5. Hug a fresh keg.

4. Shoot yourself in the leg. The weather will be the last thing you think about.

3. Put one of those little fans up your ass.

2. Collect current sweat for future smoothie.

1. Piss yourself.

Top Ten Flaws In Obama’s New Free Health Care Plan

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:51:40 -0400

10. No more swine flu and other great fodder for late night jokes.

9. Annoying old lady downstairs now may live forever.

8. No good slow hour of the day to go in and get more crabs ointment.

7. An apple a day won’t do shit.

6. Imagine mentally ill dude who wont stop talking to you in the waiting room, then multiply by ten.

5. The carnage that is a stethoscope shortage.

4. Even harder to differentiate between the rich and the poor.

3. Two words: sweaty doctors.

2. Skeletons in the waiting room.

1. Your doctor will start secretly hoping you die.

Top Ten Signs Of The Impending Apocalypse

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:52:47 -0400

10. Obama divorces Michelle, marries Michael Jackson

9. Disneyworld gets a red light district.

8. Men start faking their orgasms.

7. Compton is named for the site of the 2012 Olympics.

6. Vin Diesel wins a Tony for his portrayal of King Lear.

5. A man shows up from the future in order to get a better deal on a suit.

4. Ducks have sex with monkeys, create dunkeys.

3. A sex tape is leaked starring Tyler Perry and Oprah.

2. Michael Jordon comes out of retirement and leads Chicago to the NHL finals.

1. I get a writing job based on these top ten lists.

Top Ten Ways To Give Your Mailman A Heart Attack

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 19:03:49 -0400

10. Install mines in your front lawn.

9. Move your house down a block.

8. Fart in the mailbag when he’s not looking.

7. Cover all your outgoing mail in petroleum jelly.

6. Mail out a dummy in a body bag.

5. Redecorate your house to make it look like a post office.

4. Set your mailbox on a 20-foot-high pole.

3. Mail something to P.O. Box Murder The Mailman Upon Receiving This Letter.

2. Mail a love letter to his wife.

1. Two words: booby traps

Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Blockbusters

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:10:13 -0400

10. “Slow Times At Ridgemont Retirement Home”

9. “Spiderman Begins”

8. “Pirates of the Boca Raton”

7. “Skullman LIVE FOREVER!

6. “Skullman Dies”

5. “Catcher In The Bride” Starring Matthew McConaughey

4. “Halloween: Easter’s Here”

3. “Schindler’s List in 3D”

2. “Footloose 2: Handloose”

1. “Jaws Now Has Claws”

Top Ten Signs Your Rock Band Is About To Break Up

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:15:34 -0400

10. The singer just wrote a song called “I’m Leaving The Band, You Bastards”.

9. You’re playing a surprise gig, you haven’t played live in years, and it’s on a London rooftop.

8. Jack Daniels just named a whiskey after the bassist.

7. Your groupies have all gone though menopause.

6. There are more people lining up to see your band’s cover band.

5. Your gold record just got rusty.

4. Your guitarist just put out a New Age solo album.

3. There’s already talk of a reunion tour.

2. You just did the soundtrack for Fools Gold 2.

1. Your first name is Axel.

Top Ten Worst Summer Vacation Destinations

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:13:31 -0400

10. Grandpa’s colonoscopy

9. Oil Spill Beach

8. Madonna’s Ha-Hoo

7. Mount Doom

6. Canoeing through Redneck Forest

5. Hiking through Gaza

4. The DMV

3. A scenic drive across the Pacific Ocean

2. Your local sewage treatment plant

1. Canada

Top Ten Rejected Acts In The "Britain’s Got Talent" Competition

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 14:21:57 -0400

10. The Farrah Fawett Caner Dancers!

9. Toothless Joe and his Mystical Armpit harp

8. The Queen and her famous ping pong ball trick.

7. Alan Moore’s Watchmen Musical Medley

6. Chippers the Poopin’ Dog

5. Happyville Retirement Home Pole Dancers

4. The Wu-Tang Clan sings “Memory” from Cats

3. Old Lady Nerm shows off the photos of her grandkids.

2. Pregnant Teens Dance Troup

1. Susan Boyle

Top Ten Surprises In The New Film “Angels and Demons”

Mon, 18 May 2009 15:00:37 -0400

10. Wiliam Shatner makes a special guest appearance as God in the Sistine Chapel painting.

9. The antimatter turns out to be a diet supplement.

8. The Vatican is played by Oprah.

7. It’s actually the script for Goonies 2, they just changed “Goonies” to “Illuminati”.

6. Tom Hanks rips his mask off to reveal he’s Tom Cruise.

5. There’s a black guy in the movie.

4. The 2^nd half is animated by Pixar. Tom Hanks plays a talking marmot.

3. Langon, in order to solve the crime, uses the old pope-a-dope technique.

2. Tom Hanks’ hair is played by Trump’s toupee.

1. It’s just as bad as the book!

Top Ten Reasons Why Pearl Jam’s Bassist Got Mugged *co-written with Eddie Larson!

Sat, 16 May 2009 13:28:39 -0400

10. He was mistaken for an elderly woman behind the counter in a small town.

9. They thought he was Eddie Vedder.

8. Because Pearl Jam hasn’t put out a good album in ten years.

7. They were actually rapists, but got frustrated when they realized he was just a dude with long hair.

6. He was showing off his new diamond-studded bass.

5. They couldn’t find a better man.

4. The recording studio is right next door to the mugger academy.

3. The muggers were big Temple of the Dog fans.

2. The title of their new hit single is “Mug The Bassist”.

1. He was in Atlanta.

Top Ten Things To Buy With That Unemployment Money

Fri, 15 May 2009 17:02:33 -0400

10. Bucket of water in the door, fly in the fake ice cube, firearms and other office pranks for your ex-boss.

9. A plane ticket to Canada, one way.

8. The first down payment on a can of soda.

7. A trip to Dennys!

6. One night with Madonna.

5. Get a jump on that Christmas shopping.

4. Beer. Lots and lots of beer.

3. One box of that fancy resume paper.

2. Cardboard boxes for future alleyway home.

1. Trump’s toupee.

Top Ten Least Popular Conversation Starters

Mon, 11 May 2009 17:49:34 -0400

10. “I see you’re also using a colostomy bag!”

9. “How ‘bout them civil suit lawyers?”

8. “You stink. Is that cologne?”

7. “I may have no face, but lady, I bet you’re beautiful.”

6. “I say the holocaust never happened. Your thoughts?”

5. “Are these seats padded? No? Then I just pooped my pants.”

4. “I got some nudy pictures of my grandma. Wanna see?”

3. “Osama said the funniest thing in the cave the other day.”

2. “I’m Bill Clinton. What’s your sign?”

1. “Did you see that movie? The one with the guy and the car?”

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Travel Agent

Sat, 09 May 2009 17:32:40 -0400

10. He advises you to pick up your plane tickets from a guy named Weasel in the Bronx.

9. He books you a trip to your closet.

8. Every time you call you have to say “no, I am not interested in a family package to Gaza.”

7. Your safari turns out to be a tour of the local veterinarian clinic.

6. Pirates just took over your cruise ship.

5. Your “up-scale, but affordable” Manhattan restaurant turns out to be the gyro cart at Union Square.

4. You’re just now getting to China for the Beijing Olympics.

3. Your trip to view the Northern Lights, turns out to be your travel agent swirling around two flashlights in your back yard.

2. The gourmet chef at your hotel is Ronald McDonald.

1. Four words: Lehman Brothers Travel Agency.

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Overhear In The Huddle

Thu, 07 May 2009 14:54:46 -0400

10. “Bruce, you take soprano. And a-one, and a-two, and a-“

9. “Guys, I think I’m comin’ down with the swine flu”

8. “OK, I’m gonna start a play, and you guys get to guess which one it is.”

7. “Oh my god, the quarterback is a bear!”

6. “Me hit got hard so think I straight can’t”

5. “Looks like George Bush just took over as coach.”

4. “That jersey really brings out the color of your eyes.”

3. “Brian, you’re out, Gary Coleman, you’re in.”

2. “Who wants to go for ice cream after this?

1. “Aw shoot, the playbook just caught on fire.”

Top Ten Rejected Tyler Perry “Medea” film concepts

Tue, 05 May 2009 16:47:37 -0400

10. Medea Gets The Chair

9. Medea Turns Into a Lobster

8. Medea Travels Back In Time And Signs The Declaration of Independence

7. Medea vs. Jason

6. Madea Origins: Madea

5. Madea Meets Ernest

4. Madea Rides A Big Shoe To The Lolipop Castle

3. Madea Breaks The Sound Barrier

2. Madea Crams For The LSAT’s

1. Apcamadea Now Madedux

Top Ten Unknown Breakthroughs In Science

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:33:17 -0400

10. A bomb that shoots off insurance salesmen as shrapnel. Takes down entire armies.

9. Liposuction for dogs!

8. Anti-Gravity Hot Tub

7. Is it beer? Is it ice cream? Oh my god, it’s both!

6. Teleportation. Note: Upon teleporting, eyes, nose, and brain go missing.

5. The egg came first!

4. A pill that makes your farts smell like salmon (working on a better smell)

3. Pracktons: Protons on crack

2. What you do know: the Earth is round. What you don’t know: the Earth is trying to lose weight

1. Mermaid island exists!

Top Ten Reasons Not To Get Out of Bed This Morning

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:06:41 -0400

10. Your bed: cozy, comfy. The rest of your house: in flames!

9. The number one song on Queen Elizabeth’s iPod is “Single Ladies”.

8. You don’t have to collect your unemployment check until tomorrow.

7. Your roommate decided to make the living room anti-abortion-themed.

6. You wake up next to a woman with a boob for a head.

5. You live on the Red River, and the bed you’re on is currently floating.

4. Your radio alarm clock woke you up with Yanni.

3. You’re a producer of the new Wolverine movie.

2. Dancing With The Stars got an extended contract to run for the rest of eternity.

1. Your bed is made out of cheesecake.

The Brain and the Beast Podcast!

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:50:45 -0400

The Brain and the Beast Podcast!:

This is the podcast I’ve started up with Ben Kissel and Seena Jon. Check it out. This link takes you to the iTunes page. Please subscribe! You will never ever regret it.